Toxic.

Since I'm 99 percent sure I'm the only person reading these, I promise to myself to make my upcoming blog posts more thoughtful and optimistic. I use this to vent all the negative things, but never take time to focus on the positive ones. 

Toxic. And by toxic, I mean people, personalities, traits. I used to think that I was surrounded by toxic people and I was so quick to be able to point out the flaws or toxic traits in others. Being in a relationship, I've even questioned how toxic my partner has been. It's only recently though that I finally decided to shine that light on myself and accept I am also flawed and have toxic characteristics. I'm very stubborn, so forgive me for this taking so long. But it's true. 

I try to emotionally manipulate situations so that I look like the hero, when that's not always the case. My anxiety and other issues just feed this. So I want to make a firm resolve to actually work on this and issues tied to it but doing the following things:

1. Make time for self care

2. Focus on my own goals and interests

3. Fight fairly and consider the other side instead of assuming my emotions are justified

4. Communicate, communicate, communicate

I plan to work on these things and will check in and update on the progress. 

Just a reminder to myself that no one is perfect. Everyone will let you down at some point in time, it's how you recover from all of that, that matters. I find myself in a situation I never thought would happen again and not sure what to do about it honestly.

Blah

This post will not be optimistic or inspiring unfortunately. It will just be a brain dump of all the thoughts running through my mind. Wondering if I've wasted the last year and a half of my life on a person who doesn't deserve me. On a person who isn't right for me. I'm so conflicted and sad and unsure of what the future holds at the moment. I feel like I'm being kept anchored in this place and time and I want to be free of it. I don't know what steps to take or where to go from here. I'm truly lost and my friends and my circle that usually surround me aren't there. It's not like it's their obligation anyway. So I don't know what to do at this point.

I'm hoping to find clarity soon. I think this is necessary. I've spent my life just turning to others when I'm hurting or need a sounding board, and I haven't been very fair. It's time to just do me and figure it all out and do all the hard things I've been avoiding for so long.