So Into You.

I never knew love could be like this,

I thought I knew what it was,

But I needed to experience it for myself. 

To know what it's like to see that look in your eyes

That words can't even explain

To feel the comfort and safety and calm of your embrace.

It's in the little things we do

Sitting on the couch

Limbs all tangled up

Laughing over stupid things on TV.

I was always a hopeless romantic and I thought I knew

Love does sweep you off your feet but in ways unexpected. 

Like when you move in together and you dance in an empty room

To music only the two of you can hear. 

I don't ever want to get off of this ride

Because through the ups and the downs

You know me and you know my soul

And I am forever yours. 

Light.

Wow it's been a year! A lot has changed actually since the last time I even wrote on this thing! What a difference a change of environment can make. I've been able to slow life down the last couple of months and wanted a space to write about all of the positive changes:

•Trying to live a more minimalist life, including not making impulse purchases, purging unnecessary items from the home, and generally decluttering and keeping areas decluttered
•Working to keep anxiety out of my life by focusing on my boundaries so I don't get burned out and by communicating more openly and honestly with others
•Always keeping in mind what I can and cannot control and trying to not dwell on negative thoughts, patterns, and habits

Overall, I feel like my mental health has been going really well. Even with life events going on, I've been able to maintain an overall sense of calm by keeping chaos out of my life, slowing down when things seem to get too much, and really working to keep my mindset positive from day to day. I truly love life at the moment and I know anxiety/depression will never fully go away, but I am enjoying the long stretches of calm between the anxiety. That's all for now, but I am working to make small updates on here from time to time. Writing has and will always be a great outlet for me.

Toxic.

Since I'm 99 percent sure I'm the only person reading these, I promise to myself to make my upcoming blog posts more thoughtful and optimistic. I use this to vent all the negative things, but never take time to focus on the positive ones. 

Toxic. And by toxic, I mean people, personalities, traits. I used to think that I was surrounded by toxic people and I was so quick to be able to point out the flaws or toxic traits in others. Being in a relationship, I've even questioned how toxic my partner has been. It's only recently though that I finally decided to shine that light on myself and accept I am also flawed and have toxic characteristics. I'm very stubborn, so forgive me for this taking so long. But it's true. 

I try to emotionally manipulate situations so that I look like the hero, when that's not always the case. My anxiety and other issues just feed this. So I want to make a firm resolve to actually work on this and issues tied to it but doing the following things:

1. Make time for self care

2. Focus on my own goals and interests

3. Fight fairly and consider the other side instead of assuming my emotions are justified

4. Communicate, communicate, communicate

I plan to work on these things and will check in and update on the progress. 

Just a reminder to myself that no one is perfect. Everyone will let you down at some point in time, it's how you recover from all of that, that matters. I find myself in a situation I never thought would happen again and not sure what to do about it honestly.

Blah

This post will not be optimistic or inspiring unfortunately. It will just be a brain dump of all the thoughts running through my mind. Wondering if I've wasted the last year and a half of my life on a person who doesn't deserve me. On a person who isn't right for me. I'm so conflicted and sad and unsure of what the future holds at the moment. I feel like I'm being kept anchored in this place and time and I want to be free of it. I don't know what steps to take or where to go from here. I'm truly lost and my friends and my circle that usually surround me aren't there. It's not like it's their obligation anyway. So I don't know what to do at this point.

I'm hoping to find clarity soon. I think this is necessary. I've spent my life just turning to others when I'm hurting or need a sounding board, and I haven't been very fair. It's time to just do me and figure it all out and do all the hard things I've been avoiding for so long.

Don't Panic.

So it has been a looooong while since I posted on this thing. So much has changed, so much has been happening! I'll save all that for another post, but for now I want to talk about panic.

You know that feeling you get when the world starts to close in on you and your chest gets tight and your brain goes a thousand different directions and you can't think? Yeah, that kind of panic. It comes from over thinking, from bad things happening, from any kind of trigger really. It happens to me quite a lot, a plan fails to happen, or I let my mind get carried away, and it's just me stumbling down a mountain into a pit of self doubt and worry.

I recently came across a quote of instagram that stuck with me and that I'm trying to embody and put out every day:

"We often want it so badly we ruin it before it begins. Overthinking. Fantasizing. Imagining. Expecting. Worrying. Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve."

I needed to read that because it's been the story of my life. I'm a planner. It's in my nature to think of every possible scenario or worry about things not working out. In doing so I become such a negative person. I let all the fears and worries manifest and it shows.

Lately I've been in a more balanced place, although it's not easy. For me, the goal is to be able to recognize and stop my overthinking in its tracks when I recognize it happening. So far, I've been pretty good. I always have my moment of anxiety where everything feels like it's falling apart, but for the most part, it's been great.

I don't want to be a ball of anxiety walking around not appreciating life. I want to experience as much as I can, good or bad. Right now I'm in a really great place with a really great person. We respect each other and try our best to fit each other in to our busy schedules. I have high hopes for the future, but at the moment I'm just riding it all out an taking things at a slow pace. The most important thing to remember is what is meant to happen will happen, or if you're religious (which I am), to trust in God's plans for you.

That's my little piece for the day. I hope you're all well and not overthinking and just letting life naturally unfold in front of you!

Self Care

Starting to realize that this has become a little bit of a motivational spot for me when I need a little pick me up. Nothing wrong with that!

Lately, I've been quite burned out. I've been balancing so many things and not doing any of them all that well because I'm spread too thin. After getting sick...then getting sick again only a few weeks later, it really hit me that I need to slow down a little.

I'm the type of person that doesn't want to say no to anything. If someone wants to go out for dinner, I'll still say yes even if I've got 50 other things I need to be doing. I feel like that's just my personality, that I need to do all and be all. Blame the perfectionist in me. haha.

I've come to realize that I'm doing everyone a disservice, but more importantly I'm doing myself a disservice by not taking care of myself. Being sick forced me to do nothing and breathe a little, and now I'm back stronger than ever. I took some time to reevaluate my life, look at my goals, and kind of determine what direction I want things to flow. I feel like I'm on a pretty good track to getting where I want to be. I'm excited for the future and all the adventures and plans I have.

In part of my self care, I've realized lately how small my circle of friends has become. It's by no means a bad thing. It's more a reminder that sometimes people don't stay in your life forever. I love the people in my life now. They motivate me to be better, they support my goals, they love me even when I'm being a cranky pants, and at the end of the day, they're reliable and will be there for me.

I think that's a big part of self care too. Whether it's people leaving your life through your decision or theirs, sometimes people aren't supposed to be around forever. Although it may hurt, it's better to let go of toxic people, or people who are inhibiting your growth. Ultimately, you owe yourself to be the best you can be, and surround yourself with the best too.

I'm getting there slowly but surely. After I finally started listening to what my friends were saying, it made so much sense. I'm slowing down, taking it all in, and letting my life be purposeful.

Hope everyone's week is wonderful. :)